


Higher Window

by covacola



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Almost hopeful ending, Alternate Universe, Angst, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Pre Season 4, Quartet Night - Freeform, Reiji being a QN nerd, Sad Ending, timeline jumping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2020-10-19 20:37:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20663432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/covacola/pseuds/covacola
Summary: UPDATED / TWEAKEDA simple accident. That was all. And then, he was gone. Memories, realizations, the moments unfurling.Kind of a song fic / inspired by Higher Window by Josh Groban.





	1. Ai

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: anime spoiler for this point -- I know we basically got a thing to cover this in s4, but i had this floating around since s2 and i liked it too much to give it up so here you go

The apartment was lit by morning sun filtering in through smog. Refracted and bright as Reiji's typical beam. "I'm leaving first, then. Don't miss me too much!" He joked. 

It wasn't that it was too early or anything like that, but as per usual his greeting was met with the usual cold wall. 

A simple, derisive "hmph," from Ramaru. 

Ai didn't even look up from his work in front of him. 

"Don't be foolish," came Camus's voice, the only one to voice his disdain. 

Reiji took it in stride, playing up his hurt, "you're all so mean! When are you ever going to warm up to me?" 

Bingo. 

The three collectively glared at him, unaware of their syncrasy. He smiled and they only huffed when they realized it. 

Reiji sighed dramatically, turning back and turning the door handle. It opened and light from the connecting hallway silhouetted him. 

Ai stared at his back, wondering when Reiji would finally get the point. 

* * *

He'd informed Hyuuga on his whereabouts. It was pure chance he'd been back at the Agency proper instead of the apartment. His room aside, he found it easier to concentrate and generally more convenient to work from any of the Agency's study or common rooms.

Hyuuga had told him to stay there so he could be debriefed on the... situation. He'd sounded on edge. What had happened? 

Ai had the TV playing as background noise and hadn't even bothered to look up from his computer screen. 

But then a developing story came on. 

He stopped, shocked so terribly he didn't even realize he was staring blankly at his screen. He hadn't even looked up. Had he... Heard that right? 

Before considering the absurdity, he did a quick news search. Better to have the facts than just wonder if he'd misunderstood--

There. 

Staring back at him. 

Mere words. 

He'd never understood the phrase until now. 

The floor dropped from under him.

* * *

He'd always been uneasy. Ai could understand his lack own of understanding. It bothered him. He liked being quite thorough about his knowledge of people, and lacking empathy was a huge setback as an Idol. As a person, really. 

He didn't know how or why, but Reiji had miraculously picked up on it and, more strangely, had, as the saying went, hit the nail on the head. 

"It's okay to feel distant," it didn't sound like Reiji at all. Quiet. Soothing. Not at all boisterous as he usually was. 

Ai had looked up at him all the same. Shocked, confused, perhaps a bit defensive, but didn't open his mouth or argue or defend himself. 

Reiji smiled more at that for some reason. Of all people, he was especially difficult to figure out. "You'll learn with time," he assured him, "it takes a lot of observation and practice." And there it was, his usual beam. 

Instead of annoying, it set him at ease. 

"I'm sure you're already on the observation yourself," Reiji had laughed, but then became oddly serious. In his clownish manner, anyway. He curled his fingers as if to give a thumbs up, but pointed to himself instead, "and I'll give you all the practice opportunities you need!" 

Ai had rolled his eyes then. And yet... And yet it had helped. Reiji had, in time, kept his word. 

* * *

They'd just been gathered, back then. Ai had been scrutinizing him and the other two, but in a much more reserved, almost secretive manner. Observing more than anything else. 

He seemed...awkward. Distant, even. Even for Aiai's standards. 

He felt his eyes soften. This couldn't be easy for him. 

He perked up as he made a decision, then walked over to the tealette, ignoring, for the moment, the rising argument behind him. 

Ai watched him wearily, but he only smiled. He didn't object when Reiji stood next to him, and waited a time as Ai watched the other two bite each other's heads off. 

Once he seemed to no longer be focused on even that, Reiji made his move. 

"It's okay to feel distant sometimes." He tried to sound sympathetic and reassuring. Ai might not quite get it, but he wasn't a-- well. He could be comforted. That's what was important. 

Ai could have given himself whiplash the way he turned. Yep. He'd guessed right. Poor kid... His eyes were so wide, a perfect picture of a sort of innocence most people wouldn't expect from someone so thoroughly analytical. 

"You'll learn with time," he continued. 

He smiled, inwardly this time, as Ai's shoulders relaxed just a tad. Bingo. 

He gave the younger man another couple heartbeats to let that sink in before adding his observation that Ai was definitely already observing. 

He rolled his eyes, but it'd worked. Ai seemed to have mostly forgotten his hesitancy. That was all that mattered to him

* * *

Reiji turned the key in the ignition, then rubbed his hand, sighing. He glanced up, checking his mirrors out of habit more than anything else. He smiled at his own little plush doll hanging there. He'd been meaning to get each of the others in time. 

He sighed, though not entirely disheartened as he admitted that the others might not take that well. 

He smiled to himself, the memory giving him an idea. He'd get Ai's first. He would be weirded out a little, but he'd brush it off. From there, he'd have to get Ranran and Myu's at the same time, lest that cause yet another fight. His smile brightened. That would probably work. 

* * *

The room was perfectly still, for a few minutes. The TV made the only noise. Ai’s voice was steady, even though he felt anything but. “So... what now?” 

How hollow. 


	2. Ranmaru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh I didn't mean to break this up into character chapters but oh well it happens

"Bye bye!" Reiji called over his shoulder, half distracted as he adjusted his work bag over his shoulder. 

"Idiot," Ranmaru responded automatically, loud enough to be a proper enough response. 

He only saw him peripherally as he ate his breakfast. 

* * *

He was working out in the private apartment complex’s gym when his phone went off. Usually, he ignored calls at times like this. He tutted irritably until he saw the caller ID. Hyuuga. He stared in confusion a moment before picking up, “Ah? What’s going--”

“Have you seen the news?” His voice was brisk, feathers had definitely been ruffled.

Ranmaru grabbed his towel, stomach sinking, “no? Why? What’s--” 

He stood there. Silent. 

A heartbeat. Two. Three. No way. 

“What are you saying?” He’d misunderstood. 

A pause. 

He hadn’t. 

Another pause. 

“I’ll be there in a minute.” 

“No, don’t move. We have a car--” 

He hung up. 

Like hell was he gonna wait for a car. 

* * *

Reiji had a way of just _ stumbling _ onto wherever he’d hidden out. That night, it’d been a closed park overlooking the bay and the ocean beyond. He’d been lost in his thoughts and hadn’t even realized the car pull up. 

Living in crowded cities, one learned to ignore a lot. So it wasn’t he realize just how close the car had been that he turned to look. Reiji almost seemed to jump. For a brief moment, he’d caught the softness in his eyes. Ranmaru hated it. It wasn’t any of his damn business how he felt, so long as he could perform and present well. Why didn’t Reiji ever get that? 

But it was gone so quickly, replaced by his usual buffoonery. Reiji ran a hand through his hair and sighed exaggeratedly. “Aww, you caught me. I was trying to sneak up on you!” Then he flashed a peace sign, “I should have known, Ranran doesn’t startle easily!” He was getting on Ranmaru’s nerves. 

“Just spit it out.” He sounded more tired than crossed, and it only pissed him off more. 

But it did dispel the clownishness in Reiji, so that was something. He looked taken aback for a moment, then relaxed, an oddly serious look on his face. He just shrugged, “mind if I watch the view with you?” 

It could easily have been played off as flirty, but his tone was so mild that it surprised him. Without realizing it, his anger was dissipating. He clucked his tongue against his teeth, “yeah, I do.” Good, he sounded much more like he wanted. 

Reiji only smirked, humming as he walked to the edge of his car, settling against the trunk anyway. 

He was annoyed, but not as much as he usually was. It was strange. Reiji was so often so over the top, he was impossible to ignore. And yet here, now, his presence seemed so... normal. Ignorable. Unobtrusive. In an odd way, it was almost comforting. 

They didn’t speak for some time and Ranmaru’s attention was drawn back to the view and his thoughts. He sighed. This was all so pointless. He’d done the whole group thing and it hadn’t worked out. Why was any of this supposed to be different? None of them got along well, especially him and Camus. None of their styles mixed well, especially his and Camus’s. None of them wanted to be there. Except Reiji. 

He didn’t look, but he focused more on his peripherals. Reiji was currently messing with a loose thread on his jacket, which shifted to picking at his nails, occasionally glancing up at the skyline. Why was he here? They weren’t friends, they weren’t close. How had he even found him here? Chance? That didn’t seem likely. He was always going on about their potential or whatever. Sure, maybe it was there. But what was the point if they were all just going to be unhappy. 

Reiji suddenly cleared his throat and Ranmaru was too startled out of his thoughts to cover his start of surprise. He smiled at him, the playfulness of his smirk causing an immediate eye roll. “Got you!” He chuckled. A snort was Ranmaru’s only reply. Another small silence followed before Reiji added in a soft voice, “I’m glad you seem to be doing better, then.” 

Ranmaru side eyed him suspiciously. “What?” 

The other man shrugged but continued, “this whole week, you’ve just been especially on edge.” That annoying smile, and yet it seemed... more layered. “It’s good to hear you laugh.” 

Ranmaru snorted again, “_ that’s _ laughing?” 

“It’s better than silence.” 

Well that struck him dumb. He wasn’t sure what Reiji was playing at, but his mood dropped all the same. He didn’t think all that often of his old group, and he rarely let it show. He shook his head, “I’ve just been lost in my thoughts I guess.” 

“It’s not like you.” Reiji’s voice was oddly matter of fact. He wasn’t joking anymore. And, yes, there was concern there, but when Ranmaru turned to examine him, he found Reiji looking at him intently. It was strange. He’d seen Reiji fired up about a project before, but the intensity was striking, a fire even he could appreciate in the briefest moment before he continued. “You’re always focused on the future. On the now. It’s not that you ignore where you’ve been, it’s just never your style to brood on it. You keep moving forward. No matter what life throws at us.” 

Us. The rebuttal to the word came like second nature, but he stopped. That was a pretty accurate analysis on Reiji’s part. Ranmaru didn’t go out of his way to keep secrets, but he didn’t wear his heart on his sleeve either. If Reiji wanted him to admit it, he’d be waiting for a long time, but he had to admit Reiji was right, and it impressed him just a bit. 

Reiji turned faced him fully and the full weight of that intensity slammed into Ranmaru like a physical force. “This doesn’t have to be like last time.” 

Ranmaru’s eyes widened and for a moment, he was too thrown to even respond. Before he even got his wits about him, though, Reiji had, for a wonder, settled back into his usual nonchalance. He hummed happily for himself then chuckled, “I surprised you again, didn’t I?” The cheery tone made his eyes roll reflexively. He opened his mouth to speak, but Reiji again beat him to the punch, “I mean it though.” 

Silence. A good few seconds, too many seconds of silence. Then, “yeah, whatever,” as he rubbed the back of his neck. It unsettled him, how easily Reiji had seemed to read him. 

Reiji rocked back on his heels, stretching dramatically, “it’s so cold! Ranran, don’t be out too late!” With that, he turned, apparently to jump back in his car and take off. 

A part of him wanted to stop him, though he couldn’t figure out why. So he just watched for a moment, then stared back out over the water, watching Reiji pull away out of the corner of his eye. 

* * *

Ranran had been acting odd lately. Not that the other two picked up on it. It wasn’t anything major, really. He could just be having a bad week. Everyone had those. But his gut usually wasn’t wrong about this stuff, so he’d casually hopped a few of Ranran’s haunts. This had only been the sixth. There were tons more. 

He was leaning against a fence blocking off a slim stretch of green leading down to the bay. The lights were a sight, the wind was refreshing if you ignored the smog, and the sound of the water and distant traffic was almost soothing. Ranran seemed a bit lost in his thoughts and an idea half formed in his head as he hopped out. He didn’t try to muffle any of the noise, and it was a bit concerning that Ranran didn’t even _ glance _at the proximity. He’d all but pulled up next to him. 

Eventually, he noticed. His head snapped around so quickly that it startled him, but he played it off. “Aww, you caught me. I was trying to sneak up on you!” Ranran didn’t respond, so he continued babbling cheerily, “I should have known, Ranran doesn’t startle easily--”

“Just spit it out.” Ranran was irritated. Irritated and tired. 

He felt his face fall but caught himself quickly. “Mind if I watch the view with you?” He was playful, but honestly? He was a bit tired of it all, too. All the arguing, having to constantly keep the peace-- keep the group together at all. It was _ exhausting _ . But he didn’t complain. He had his reasons. And he knew Ranran, Myu, and Ai all had their own for _ not _ wanting this. 

“Yeah, I do.” He smiled and settled against the back of his car. He tried to do anything but stare as Ranran relaxed back. Eventually, he caught him breathing more evenly, deciding then to make his move. He cleared his throat and was rewarded with a little jump. He smiled broadly. “Got you!” Ranran snorted and his heart felt lighter, “it’s good to hear you laugh.”

Another snort, “_ that’s _ laughing?” 

He kept his response as mild as he possibly could. “It’s better than silence.” 

Ranran took a second to process that, then tried to deflect the implications. “I’ve just been lost in my thoughts I guess.” 

“It’s not like you,” he pressed. The other man turned and looked at him, thrown off guard. “You’re always focused on the future. On the now. It’s not that you ignore where you’ve been, it’s just never your style to brood on it. You keep moving forward. No matter what life throws at us.” 

He wasn’t sure where the speech was going, but it’d been on his mind for awhile. If he wanted them to open up, to _ really _ be a group, he’d have to go first, dismantling his walls and being honest. (Mostly.) Ranran looked like he was gonna argue, but stopped, considering. He smiled, just a little. He had a good idea of what each of them needed. Ranran needed blunt honesty. That was that. Now he just had to build his courage for the kicker. “This doesn’t have to be like last time.” 

Ranran went _ pale _. It was enough. Pushing would only do harm, but Ranran wouldn’t forget this. He wasn’t one to dodge his emotions, he just had his own isolated way of working through them. So he pulled back, joking, “I surprised you again, didn’t I?” He smiled more broadly as the other man rolled his eyes. He felt his own soften after a moment. “I mean it though.”

Silence. He didn’t see it, but Reiji held his breath the whole time. “Yeah, whatever.” He let out the breath. Ranran could act all he wanted, but he _ did _ care. He _ did _ want to see _ something _ come of group work. He was amazing individually, but Ranran more than either of the others could grasp just how much _ greater _ they could become, together. 

He let the sentiment stew for a few minutes before staging his exit. “It’s so cold!” He shivered dramatically. The other barely gave him more than a glance. “Ranran, don’t be out too late!” And with that, he left him be. Ranran probably thought he didn’t catch the look on his face, appreciated what he wasn’t ready to admit, not even to himself. 

Even after Ranran turned back, Reiji still had his peripherals on his silhouette.

* * *

The smile stayed plastered on his face as he merged deeper into traffic. He hadn't thought of that conversation in some time. 

He never got over, though, how touched Ranran had been after that, no matter how unconscious it'd been. 

His eyes softened. 

Even if they were constantly annoyed, he knew they appreciated, even if subconsciously, his banter. 

They could bicker all they wanted, they could have out any time. 

He checked over his shoulder again just to be safe, his blinker having been on perhaps a little longer than necessary already, then merged another lane. 

* * *

Ranmaru threw the door open into the common room, frantic. "What the fuck is going on?!" He demanded to the room at large. He'd been told Hyuuga and Ringo would be there, but he was only slightly thrown to see Ai sitting motionless on a couch. 

He'd expected to be reprimanded for his language. He'd been looking for any sort of insignificant fight to let off some steam. 

No one even blinked. 

He growled, irritated. Then, finally, he noticed Ryuuya looking at him. His face was unreadable. He was one of the few people Ranmaru couldn't subconsciously read, and it always made his gut twist. Especially now, as he walked toward him. 

It felt like each step matched his heartbeat. Quick, yet oddly slow in a surreal fucked up time sense. And then, as if to add to it, Hyuuga was suddenly in front of him. 

His lips were tight, he wouldn't look at him. All at once, his stomach dropped. 

"Ranmaru...I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that over the phone. That's not the way I wanted you to... Be informed."

"Cut the formal crap," he replied, anger rising. Yet somehow, he didn't even have to think about it, he was whispering. When did he ever whisper? 

Hyuuga nodded, but seemed unable to be anything but. "We just wanted to get you all back here. We--"

Something hung in the air between them. _Get us all back here_.

It hung, it swung dead in the air. Like the hesitant air before a terrible secret is revealed. 

His stomach, still hollow, tied itself into a firm knot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying to actually just get this all out tonight. the core fic anyway. there's gonna be an epilogue and maybe even more but yeah. should have that out tonight so hang tight yall


	3. Camus

"Ahh, you're so mean!" Reiji responded, just as automatically, as he began closing the door. 

It was Camus's turn to huff. 

As soon as he did, he glanced tensely at Kurosaki. It was a slight thing, but the fact that they had both huffed wouldn't have been the smallest thing they'd started arguing over. 

It took a second, but he realized what held him at bay. The door hadn't clicked. Reiji was hovering. 

He rolled his eyes, "what have you forgotten this time?" They all knew that wasn't it. 

Reiji jumped, hand knocking against the doorknob in a way that sounded like it'd at least sting. "Don't worry, I'm fine!" He called back, cheery and unnecessary. Then he closed the door for real. 

* * *

He was being chauffeured back to the apartment, having finished all his duties for the day. He sighed, listening with half an ear to the news station flooding in from the front seat. 

He was tired. He really didn't want to have to deal with the others this evening, but-- 

"Quartet Night--" 

He sighed again, weary. Great. It sounded like something of theirs had leaked. Now he just had to guess which of the morons--

His driver gasped. 

Camus's eyes shot up in alarm, but the driver had slapped the station off, changing it to some general pop station. 

"What was that?" He asked measuredly. 

The driver was ominously quiet for an unsettling amount of time. Eventually he responded diplomatically, "I believe... I shouldn't say. If anything, you will be debriefed--"

A phone call cut across the bubblegum pop that had barely even begun to annoy him. The driver, still frantic, answered and a voice came over the whole car. 

"Yes, you have Camus in there right?" Ringo. 

Ringo? 

Usually Hyuuga called for any sort . of debriefing

Camus allowed the driver to answer, listening intently. 

He was to go back to the Agency instead of the apartment. The rest of Quartet Night had assembled there already. 

There was an uncharacteristic tension in Ringo's voice, it disturbed him deeply. He couldn’t even recall a time when Ringo had ever been so serious-- acting or no. The driver made some mechanical response, but he was too busy stewing. Just what the hell had happened? 

* * *

He couldn't even remember now what the interviewer had said, only that it'd tipped him over some edge. 

He wasn’t like Ranmaru. He wouldn’t rise so quickly. He was also much more polite than Ai, who would flat out derail or ignore questions. Reiji had done a good job keeping appearances, but those three were honestly a live nightmare waiting to happen. Reiji had pretty constantly come to their rescue, mostly because he surely wouldn’t and they clearly couldn’t contain themselves. It made him wonder why he even bothered. 

He could usually handle awkward, prodding questions. That wasn’t the problem. Veiled insults were harder, but he was used to them by now. So whatever it’d been, it must have been bad. Perhaps they’d gotten bored of making a spectacle of Ranmaru, Ai, and Reiji. It would have only been a matter of time. 

"That was rather unprofessional," Reiji cut in. His voice was light, joking as ever. And yet there'd been steel. With a few words, a joking demeanor no less, he'd shut the whole 5 minutes of wind up down like a piano over someone's head. 

The interviewer stumbled. They hadn't expected anyone to come to Camus's aid. Ranmaru and Ai had been, as usual, removed. They’d left him to deal with it, as was expected. Reiji had been visibly uncomfortable the whole time. But professionalism, limited as it was, came to their rescue, just as Reiji had for him. 

They laughed and excused themselves. The rest went on in a nearly undetectable duel. 

Reiji usually spoke on the group's behalf, but he pretty much dominated the conversation. Despite their words, the interviewer had tried several times to get back around to that topic. They even tried to build up to jabs at Ranmaru and Ai, but Reiji never let them get close.

He was almost visibly taken aback. Reiji had never even hinted that he was this... Competent didn't even describe it. Skilled? Talented? He deflected everything they threw at him, kept things on the track they'd been told this interview would take. 

He talked circles around them. It was actually quite impressive. 

And then it sank in, his awe. Reiji was defending them all. And not only that, he was... Remarkable at it. 

And as if to build on that, the interviewer finally took a forward jab. Front and center. No theatrics or build up. He just outright insulted Reiji. 

Well, more so poked fun at. There _was_ decorum of sorts. 

Reiji took it in stride, laughing right along.

Entirely unbothered. 

Ranmaru almost said something, starting just a bit. For once, Camus actually agreed with his feelings. Even Ai looked momentarily put out of sorts. 

Ranmaru almost didn't catch it, but Reiji caught his eye. His gaze was hard. That steel still glinting. It was the only thing that could stop the three of them in their tracks.

It'd been just a glance. Reijis attention was back fully on the interviewer. Then, typical, irritatingly bright smile never shifting, he replied in kind. 

Except it wasn't just a polite brushing off. The interviewer went pale, then bright red. 

He smirked. 

"Ah, you would know, wouldn't you?" 

Camus had to very quickly swallow a laugh.

* * *

He snapped before Myu did. 

How dare-- how fucking low-- this stupid, bastard, piece of shit reporter--

But indignance wouldn't solve the problem. And indignant was exactly what Myu's response would be. They’d finally ruffled enough of his feathers to get a response out of him. He didn't think twice. He just let his presenting persona take over. He thought that might even be a nice touch for Myu.

He shut the jackass-- er, interviewer, down. Polite, but firm. 

He visibly saw the astonishment in Myu, even if he was the only one who’d recognize it. It gave him confidence as he continued. 

They were insistent, and Reiji would give them that. But if they made one more jab at him-- and then the conversation turned. To Ranran, no less. Cute. 

Ranran was already prepared to speak for himself, but Reiji wouldn't let it slide. 

Of course they'd go after Ranran. Why did the media always think that they could back him into a corner because he was especially animated? Yes, he was passionate and often quick to anger, but didn't they realize he was more than prepared for their games? Really, they weren't very bright. 

Of course, he knew how to push Ranran's buttons. And Aiai's. And Myu's. He also knew how to speak for them, with their specific tastes and tone. 

The conversation eventually rolled to Aiai, of course. Then, finally, to him. 

He actually had been quite taken aback at how forward they'd been on that one. 

Guess his group mates weren’t the only people he knew how to get to. Good. 

His heart fluttered a little as he saw the others get defensive on his behalf, but knew that this, too, wasn't the place. 

He shared a glance with Ranran, who was in most need to be quieted. They got it. All in a heartbeat. How did any of them convince themselves they didn't work well together? 

Reiji smiled, truthfully, at the interviewer and said in a measured and equal tone, "ah, well, you _ would _ know about that, would you." 

He tried not to break as Ranran smirked, leaning back in his chair for the first time since he'd started being grilled. Aiai had a similar, though brief, quirk to his lip. Myu actually covered a cough. His heart swelled. 

* * *

He got to the turn that he’d been trying to make. An awkward curved road between a seemingly randomly placed diagonal building. Between the parked cars and the bad angle, it didn’t have the best visibility. He took his time, waited to see the reflected color of the light a block back change, just to give himself extra time and, hopefully, room. 

He’d had a few close calls, but he was used to it by now. He knew how to take this road. 

The light changed, he strained to hear any oncoming cars in his lane, inched forward. Looked. Clear.

He went for it, smiling again as his doll swayed with the car. 

A sports car whipped around, lightning fast. 

Neither had time to evade.

It slammed, head on, into the driver’s side door. 

It was over in an instant. 

* * *

The ride back had felt longer, his apprehension building steadily. He wasn’t sure what to expect when he opened the door, but he’d never been one to hesitate, nor waste any time. 

It was only after that he realized that he _ had _ expected something. Ranmaru cursing, arguing. Reiji trying in vain to keep the peace. Ai pointedly ignoring them, perhaps sharing a look or even an eye roll at their unprofessional behavior. 

It’d have been so to form with these three, he was entirely unconscious of how much he’d come to anticipate their foolery and compensate. Needless to say, he was caught entirely off guard. 

_ Shocked _ wasn’t the word for it. Somewhere, there had to be a better word for it. But no words came to him that could describe the things he felt when the door opened. 

The room felt unreal the moment he entered, more like he’d stepped into a photograph than anything else. No one moved, for a brief moment, he wasn’t even sure any of them were breathing. The room was also dead silent, something he hadn’t noticed on his way it-- had he been that frantic? 

The TV was playing, he saw peripherally, but the sound had been muted by someone. Ai sat on the couch, eyes glazed over at his laptop. Hyuuga and Ranmaru were standing close, like they’d been talking, but neither were looking at each other. Ranmaru was turned away from him, but Hyuuga’s face seemed distant and tight. What was going on here?

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt the slight tug on his arm. He spun, and it was Ringo’s turn to jump. Though they’d both gasped, it still seemed dead quiet. Ringo gestured for him to step back out for a moment. 

The door closed, even that seemed muffled. 

Ringo sighed, shoulders slumping. There was a bright pain in his eyes, which seemed oddly distant, now he looked. “I.. there’s no easy way to break this to you,” he tried looking Camus in the eye, tried, less than halfheartedly, to smile, “but I know you’d prefer to not be kept in waiting.” 

Ringo’s face contorted a moment. In that mere second, it fell into place. He already knew. The _ rest _ of Quartet Night had already assembled at the Agency. He almost didn’t hear Ringo’s words. ** _“Kotobuki Reiji has passed away.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to get the brunt of this pushed out, finally. Pretty generic, I know. I do have another main chapter coming out in a bit here, possibly even an epilogue. Stay tuned <3


	4. Quartet Night

They were allowed to go to the memorial. It felt... so unnatural. Reiji’s family falling to pieces, feeling misplaced in their sorrow. The unsaid guilt between them. 

Why was it that _ only now _ could they appreciate it? He’d been right. Their feelings, deep down, really had been the same. 

They’d talked. Not that night, nor the night after. Not before, during, or after their statements had to be given. Not before, during, or after the official statement had been made that Quartet Night-- now, quite distastefully being nicknamed Trio Night by calloused, uncaring followers-- would be going on hiatus. Not even before, during, or after their briefing on their invitation and push to go to his memorial. Not even as they all continued to return to their apartment, feeling far more empty with 1/4 of its occupants gone. 

But they all thought the same thing. 

_ This wasn’t happening. This felt unreal. How could Reiji just be gone? _

_ We shouldn’t take a hiatus, just drop everything now. He wouldn’t have wanted that. _

_ Why should we go? We weren’t that close to him. _

_ He was right. We _ were _ a team._

But the family had insisted. They’d even insisted on giving them private time to mourn over him. 

* * *

It was a closed casket service. It made them all sick. 

It was a quiet room, dimly lit. They’d left enough lights on to still have good visibility. They wouldn’t stumble on any hitch in carpet, or anything like that. But they had stumbled. Some even said they, their group, Quartet Night, had fallen. It felt about right. They didn’t need the lights to see, they knew the lost expressions on each of their faces. 

Presumably, they’d all go back to doing solo work. Just as they’d wanted to. 

Reiji wouldn’t have to see them break apart, wouldn’t have to hurt him with a separation, as they’d been denying to themselves they’d been dreading. 

But that wasn’t right. 

He suddenly flared with an anger he knew was unreasonable, but also a simple symptom of his coping. Reiji had promised him he’d be there to help him work through all this. Empathy, understanding it all, and what was he supposed to do with this? How was he supposed to handle this? 

And suddenly, he couldn’t. 

For a moment, one blessed moment, he was more confused than distraught. But then it all came out in a shuddering sob. 

His face fell into his hands. 

He didn’t know.

How was he supposed to handle this? 

He didn’t even know how to ask for help.

He didn’t even know if he wanted to. 

He didn’t know anything and Reiji had left him to deal with it, he’d broken his promise. He wasn’t there. 

He wasn’t there. 

Ai’s sobs redoubled. 

  
  


* * *

He reacted instantly. As did Camus, he noticed peripherally. 

Ai had been sitting closest. None of them had sat in the same cramped row in the smaller viewing room. Ai had been right up front. He’d stumbled up, dazed. Shit, but he was only still a kid, really. 

His sobbing only made that fact hurt more. 

Both he and Camus had reacted, had wanted to do something. But what? What could he, could _ either of them _ possibly do? They weren’t good at comforting, at working through feelings. That was--

_ That was Reiji’s field._

He thought he’d be angry when it hit him. He just felt hollow. Like a rock had settled to the bottom of his stomach like a stone thrown into a raging river. He closed his eyes, head lowering between clenched fists, arms resting on his knees. 

He’d lied. But it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t blame him, and yet--_ and yet. _

_ And yet it hurt. _

_ “This doesn’t have to be like last time.”_

And in a way, he’d been right. In all the ways that didn’t matter, all the ways that didn’t help. 

The group was split. 

* * *

Camus could only stare blankly. He’d never felt so... helpless. 

He almost hated Reiji, for causing him to feel this way. But he couldn’t. His heart didn’t seem to have enough feeling to hate, to do much of anything. 

But that wasn’t what hurt the most, not really. 

He’d remembered so vividly. Reiji had been there for him, for _ all _ of them. It wasn’t that they hadn’t been there for him-- though of course, they hadn’t. And it stung. But they couldn’t even do the same for themselves. Even now, even with Ai sobbing a few feet away, Ranmaru shaking, willing to do _ something _, but not knowing what, himself, all but frozen in place-- none of them could support each other the way he’d supported them. He closed his eyes, it was too much. It was so pathetic, it was almost laughable. 

* * *

The four of them mourned there, in that dark room. 

Yes. Four. Quartet Night had been there, together for the last time in that viewing room. 

Reiji had watched over them, pained. 

He’d never wanted this. He’d _ never _ in _ a million years _ would have wanted to hurt them like this. 

He could see the lost, distraught, almost betrayed looks on their faces. They needed him. It wasn’t hubris. 

They could and eventually would stand on their own feet. They were all very much independent people. But he’d promised them, as a group. They’d work well together, _ grow _ together. And then he went and-- 

It hurt. It hurt to see them. 

When Ai had burst out-- Ai, of all of them-- three of them reacted. Three of them hesitated. 

He could read the internal argument in Ranmaru’s body language. 

See the strain in Camus’s face. 

It hurt so much. 

He did the only thing he knew to do. He closed the distance and kneeled in front of Ai. He couldn’t quite bring up the courage to try and touch him, he’d tried it before. They’d gone right through him. It’d hurt. But he wanted to be there. 

_ I’m sorry _ he tried to say. But he didn’t have a voice. Only thoughts. Only feelings. _ I told you I’d be there to help you work things out. I didn’t mean to leave you like this... _ For a moment, Ai’s sobs seemed to redouble. It broke his heart. _ I know Ranran and Myu... aren’t the most emotional guys out there. But they care about you too. Tell them. Tell them. _

And suddenly, he wasn’t speaking to Aiai anymore. He wanted them, all three of them, to hear him. Wanted it with all his heart. _ Even if I’m not there, please. I know you three can do so much good. For others... and for each other. I saw it the moment I met you... Please. Don’t let this be the end. I may be gone, but Quartet Night... I’m still with you, even if I can’t sing alongside you. _

* * *

Ai could almost feel it. The hovering concern Reiji needlessly got when he had some minor injury or looked vaguely upset. He hiccuped and sobbed harder. And yet...and yet... He lifted his head, turning back toward the others, tears still flowing down puffy eyes. Ranmaru was shaking, Camus stared off, stricken. He’d never told them. He’d never needed to. 

He got up and moved toward them. Reiji had tried to help him understand people more. 

He couldn’t do that if he was just going to observe. If anyone could understand his feelings now, it was these two, like it or not. He was going to try. He was going to _ try _. 

* * *

The thought struck him like a brick to the head. 

They’d all had such different feelings then, and it’d torn them apart. 

But now? 

He looked up. Ai was striding back toward them, still sniffling but looking determined. It fueled his fire. 

Their feelings... _ Quartet Night’s _feelings. It hadn’t changed. They’d only become more attuned. 

He didn’t believe in things like ghosts or fate, but... In the end, Reiji had done what he’d been trying to do. They felt the same. About Reiji. About continuing on as a group. About music. They could have had out at any time. And yet, even without Reiji, hadn’t they continued together? 

He didn’t second guess himself, didn’t question his resolve. 

They would never be the same without Reiji. But they were still strong, they still had so far to soar. 

* * *

Suddenly, he felt the depression lift. It was like a physical weight off of his spirit. And then he thought about it and _ what was he doing? _ If he was going to mope, he might as well quit now. His eyes focused on Ai approaching them. The fire in his eyes, he felt the same. He peripherally saw Ranmaru lift his head, let out a shaky breath. He didn’t have to look to know he felt it too. 

Maybe Reiji wasn’t there to support them, but that’s not what it felt like. 

Ranmaru’s voice echoed his own thoughts, “we’re not done yet.” 

“Not by a long shot,” Ai added, voice a little hoarse. 

He humphed, but smiled, “we still have a long way to go, though.” 

The other two didn’t glare at him, surprisingly. Or maybe it wasn’t surprising. It was a challenge. He was just stating what they already knew. They’d face it, together, head on. 

There was a thick silence between them for a few moments.

He was a little shocked to hear himself mutter, “_ Quartet _ Night.” 

Ranmaru smiled a little, “all of us.”

Ai returned it, “even now.” 

* * *

Reiji smiled brightly. 

As if in response, all their smiles broadened, unknowingly returned. 

It was enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually did change things in the end. Originally, it was gonna end with Reiji crying, unheard, as he tried to comfort Ai. 
> 
> Quite frankly, my heart couldn't take that as I wrote so uh sure, have this??


End file.
